If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
