sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Your cock deserves a montage
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
