my vag is so smooth its legendary
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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