I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
