I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
