Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
