i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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