I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
