If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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