mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
