i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
