i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
