see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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