mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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