I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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