Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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