That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
