I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
