I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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