I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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