Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
