the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
