My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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