seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
