I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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