Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
