My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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