saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the condom got lost in my hair
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
