Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
