i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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