theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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