last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
