fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Randomize
