smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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