I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You're like the curious george of whores
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
