so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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