i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
