meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
