I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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