Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
