God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
