I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
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