I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
