I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's shark week go big or go home
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
