so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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