I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
