screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
