Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I think I have vodka in my lungs
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
