I wish my penis had an off switch
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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