Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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